How to Stop Self-Sabotage: Finding Clarity in the Chaos
From the archive: my conversation with Nick Gray on the Win Building Podcast, Episode 27 November 3, 2021
A few years ago, my friend and former colleague Nick Gray invited me onto his Win Building Podcast. We worked side by side years ago in London. So this was part catch-up, part deep dive into why we get in our own way.
I listened back recently. Honestly? It holds up. If anything, it matters more now that I work with founders.
Here are the moments I keep coming back to, especially if you want to stop self-sabotage in your business and your life.
Trading a dream job for a dream life
I was born in Japan to a Japanese father and a Korean mother. We moved to California when I was about four. I built a career I loved. Twelve years in sales, operations, marketing and global travel. Then a managing director role.
And then I resigned.
I told Nick I wanted to trade in my dream job for a dream life. I didn't know yet what that life looked like. I just knew I needed to pause and ask what actually mattered.
That question is what led me to coaching.
Travel was my classroom
I was never the straight-A student people assume I was. Books didn't teach me much.
Travel did.
When I was little, my mom took us on public buses instead of taxis. She told me the best way to understand people is to see life through their lens. That stuck. Watching how people live, connect and differ is still how I learn. It's also how I coach. I try to see your life through your lens, not mine.
Why I became a coach
I trained as a coach in 2020, mostly for my own growth. I thought I'd get the inside scoop.
Then I went looking for a coach of my own. I didn't see many faces that looked like mine.
That mattered to me. I had spent years as the only woman, and often the only woman of color, in the boardroom. A lot of how I measured success was shaped by that. I wish someone had helped me see my own worth sooner.
Today I work with founders. People building something without the guardrails of corporate life. Suddenly you're your own boss, and you have to manage yourself too.
Here's what I said then, and still believe:
"I don't think people are lost. I don't think people are broken. I think they have everything they need within them. It's just a matter of reconnecting to it."
You don't need a coach to succeed but a coach helps you get there faster and see your blind spots. I get to be the mirror.
The procrastinating perfectionist
This might sound familiar.
I went to the seminars. I read the books. I understood it all intellectually.
And I still did the same things.
I called myself a procrastinating perfectionist. Some weeks I worked around the clock. Other weeks I avoided the one thing that mattered. I blamed time management. I called myself lazy.
None of it changed anything.
What finally helped was understanding why.
Your survival brain is doing its job. Too well.
As kids, we learn patterns that keep us safe. I came into the world easygoing. My family says you wouldn't even know I was in the room. I loved being in my own head.
When we moved to the US, I didn't speak English. Kids teased me in preschool. I didn't understand the words, but I understood I wasn't accepted. So I learned to avoid hard feelings. That meant avoiding hard conversations and confrontation, too.
I also learned that hard work got rewards. So I went from achiever to hyper-achiever. My self-worth got hooked on results.
Those patterns protected me as a kid. As an adult, they started running the show. Here's the thing. Your body can't tell a tiger from a tense meeting. It reacts the same way. And nobody teaches us to unlearn that.
The real damage often isn't the stress itself. It's the replay. Every time you rerun it in your head, your body responds as if it's happening again.
How to stop self-sabotage: notice, pause, ask a better question
This is the simplest tool I shared, and the one I still use daily to stop self-sabotage before it takes over.
1. Notice it. Any negative emotion is your cue. Fear, anger, frustration, anxiety. That's your survival brain taking the wheel.
2. Give it about 90 seconds. Focus on a physical sensation. Rub your fingertips together slowly. Listen for the farthest sound you can hear. Feel your breath.
3. Ask a better question. Instead of "Why is this happening to me?" ask "Why is this happening for me?"
You change one small word. You may not get the answer right away. That's okay. The point is to shift out of survival mode. When you're in it, the problem-solving, creative part of your brain goes offline. You literally can't think your way out.
The question opens the door back in.
These are tools from Positive Intelligence®, the mental fitness framework created by Shirzad Chamine, which I trained in and have practiced for the past five years.
Do I still procrastinate? Yes. But I catch it much faster now. I don't spiral into "what's wrong with me." I come back to where I need to be.
Rehearse the version of you that's at ease
Nick and I talked about a performance psychology study on basketball free throws.
One group practiced shooting every day. Another only sat and imagined making their shots. The visualizing group improved nearly as much as the group that practiced.
Your brain builds pathways from rehearsal, not just action.
So if public speaking scares you, stop replaying the version where you freeze. Picture yourself at ease. Making eye contact. Feeling good in your body.
Repeat it. Give your brain a new model to follow.
Fear or excitement? You get to choose.
Tingly hands. Racing heart. Shallow breath.
That could be fear. It could also be excitement. Your body feels them almost the same way.
The difference is the story you tell.
Next time you're about to step on stage, try saying "I'm excited." Your brain will believe you.
Failure is your sandbox
I used to play it safe. I played small, because every outcome felt tied to my worth. Now I welcome failure as part of growth. Every time I leveled up, it followed a risk or a hard lesson.
Whether you're 20 or 80, life is a sandbox. Fall down. Scrape a knee. It's okay.
The key to real change is wanting it more than the familiar comfort of the stress you live in now.
Design from the ending
My favorite way to set goals is to start at the end.
Picture your 80th birthday. Who's there? What do they say about you? What do you want to look back on?
Then build backward from that feeling.
My wish for you is simple. Look back and know you made more memories than you had dreams. I closed the episode with this, and I'll close here too:
If you give change a chance, you give yourself a chance to change.
Watch the full conversation
A big thank you to my host, Nick Gray, Co-Founder of Keyguides Connect and executive coach at WIN Building, for having me. It was a joy to reconnect.
Ready to get out of your head?
If you're a founder who knows all of this and still isn't acting on it, you're not broken. You're running old patterns.
Let's look at them together.
Which moment from this conversation hit closest to home for you?
© 2023 Positive Intelligence, LLC. All rights reserved. No reproduction, alteration, translation, publication, or distribution, in any form, printed or electronic, is permitted without the express prior written consent of Positive Intelligence, LLC. POSITIVE INTELLIGENCE®, PQ®, PQ COACH™, CERTIFIED PQ COACH™, and P+ logo™ are trademarks of Positive Intelligence, LLC.
DISCLAIMERS: The coaching program offered herein is independently owned and operated by the coach, and is not affiliated with or endorsed or sponsored by Positive Intelligence, LLC. PROGRAM CONTENT AND MATERIAL DO NOT CONSTITUTE MEDICAL OR MENTAL HEALTH ADVICE AND ARE NOT A SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL CARE, DIAGNOSIS OR TREATMENT OF ANY MEDICAL OR MENTAL HEALTH CONDITION.
Comments